Varieties.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 363, 23 April 1903, Page 7

Varieties.

THE THIEF AND THE GOOD MAM, 'JfijbDNR day a Thief entered upon the mr*W itrndti t f the Good Man and selected a fine, fat Lamb to drive away, but before he could make his escape the Good Man appeared and said: • Ah ! but you would drive away one of my Lambs! Alas, but what has human nature come to!' 'I was dfiven to it by necessity,' replied the Thi6f. • Know you that I have not tasted Lamb chops for the but six months.. I pray you to have consideration for me.' * Do you canfeus to your misdeeds r" asked the Good Man. «I do.' ' And declare your gorrow P' ' The same.' 'Ttenwe will say no more about it. You may go Lome and I will go to my cornfield.' A day later the Gocd Man discovered that-a fat Ewe had disappeared, and meeting the Thief he cried out: ' Some thief bas stolen my fat Ewe from my flock, and I believe you are the man! If you would steal a Lamb, why not ft full-grown sheep ?' 'That's good raasoning, my friend,' calmly replied the Thief, * but you only state half the case. Having forgiven me for stealing a Lamb, because I was sorry, you must now forgive me for stealing a Sheep, because I am twice as sorry no before!' Moral: You have only to stick to sophistry to enable you to steal your neighbour's wealth. HOW TO WIN A WOMAN iN A WEEK. Sunday—Make her acquaintance. Monday Morning : Violets. After•noon: Call. Tuesday—Morning: American Beauties and bonbons. Afternoon: Drive, dinner at leading cafe. Wednesday— Morning : Orchids and book's. Afternoon : Automobile ride. Thursday—lgnore her. Friday—Appear with a more attractive woman. Saturday—Morning: Orchids and a diamond or two. Afternoon: Call. Night: She is yours.—Francesca di Maria in «Life.'

THE ABSENT MINDED DON. One of the fin * bt instances of absence of mind on record is that furnished by a certain Oxford don, whose ' scholarly bbptraction' frequently landed him in difficulties, Dining cut one night, he suddenly becaree vtsrsed in thought, and for a time £ at gazing at his plate, evidently deeply tngrossed in tome mighty problem. N.w it happened that his left hand neighbour, a portly dame, had a habit of n sting hor hand on the tible, palm down and fingers closed. Suddenly the Professor awake from his brown btudy. seized his fork, plunged it into the plump paw reposing to the left ©I bis plate, and, beaming genially through his glasses, remarked, *My bread, I think !' % SHE HAD 10 DIET. Doctors sometimes give their directions for taking drugs or other • treatment in language beyond the comprehension of the patient. Occasionally tragic, but more often amusing, mistakes occur thereby. Judge tells one of the amusing kind, although it might have been uncomfortable, at lease. A email colourtd ghl went to a drug store and said to the clerk, 'Mi mammy wants some o' de handsomest dye ye've got.' 'The handsomest?' repeated the clerk, ' Well, 1 don't know—what does &he want itfor ?' 1 She done got de misery in her atum> mick, and de doctor says ehe must dye itj and she eay if she hab got ter iye it she want it a handsome colour.' A MEHE SUGGESTION. . It was at the theatre, and the young man had seen the play before. He let everybody for four seats round know that, and he kept telling what was coming, and ju;t how funny it would be when it did come. He had a pretty girl with him, and bo was trying to amuse her. At length he said: 'Did you ever try listening to a play with your eyes shut? You've no idea how queer it seems.' A middle-agod man with a red face Bat just in front. He twißted himself about in his seat and gl'arod at the callous one. ' Young man,' said he, ' did you ever try lißtenißg to one with your mouth shut ?' And the silccca was almost painful. A SCOTCH JOKE. In a village near Edinburgh there lived an old baker and bis son. Their trade was in a flourishing condition, but, unfortunately, in the midat of their prosperity the old man; who had once been a great drinker, turned insane. The son, who was renowned for his love of money, was forced to put him in a lunatic asylum, and, according to the terms of the establishment, to pay a fee for three mouths in advance, amounting to JE3O. The old man was scarcely in a fortnight,. however, when he died. Th<? son, thinking to raise an action against the establishment for the leeovery of the (as he termed it) unused money, inquired of an old lawyer, who was a bit (fa wag, whether ho thought it v ould be prudent. to try and recover the money or not. Haiti replied str.ouiiy: * D'ye no think it wad be best to gang and put in the rest o' the time y artel' P*

THE OBJECTING BROTHER. B» wee "The objectir.' brother." an' they ftßour tl him fur ..r." nigh; Objeeted to thf rurr.fr." o' the roun' wort* ar." the .-k> ! Warr/t anylblcg <~onid please him In reaaor. i r in ri.j n.c, ■a lit born fer J*st objeetin'—fer objeetin' all the lime! He» ken fer the. steeple. . . His objeetlor. come to that: Give the parson a r.ew beaver—didn't Ilka that styte o' hat: Lljht:...-• ro«i, fer safety;—No! the lightnto' sfcooM respect The good Lord's home o' meetln'—en' he rie up to object! Be wui spnrkin" of a widder: When It come the marriage day An' the preacher axed the people *t they had a word to say Why shouldn't be united fer weal as well ' = woe. He ho-- r tt : "I object, llr!" an' to* wlddcr's cake wuz dough! Contraricst o' fellers In the country. Til be boun'! Warn't no doln' nuthln' w'en you seen Mm eettin' roun'! Ja-' when he gits to glory—ef his baggage lhar is checked. 14'■ lay beliefs St. Peter'll shet Mm out with: "I object!" -•. 3». Stanton. In Atlanta Constitution.