Humour.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 363, 23 April 1903, Page 7

Humour.

PUSHING BUSINESS. SRjKOS months a certain police-con-JI&K Bfcable h - a<i failed to fi Q <i a solitary iifcs® 'case' to bring before the local magistrates, but tbe long-looked-for opportunity arrived. One night he saw a novice wheel a cycle intn the Bireet, and attempt to mount. Again and again he tried to spring into the siddle, but in vain. •Hi!'cried 'he constable. 'Can't yer mount ?' : ■ NY answered the youth 5 ' I'm only a learner.' ' Let me hold it for yer ?' asked the constable. V - - : The youth was delighted. The constable held the cycle while he mounted, and then pedalled merrily along for a dozen yards or so, ' I can manage now, thank you,' said the youth. ' Let go.' ' Not if I know it!' answered the police! man. • We're going to the police-station. Where's yer light P' A MAN TO BE PITIED. Who is t!at sad disconsolate looking fellow ? ° He is a man who haß made a study of rules of health. Whose'rules of health ? Everybody's rules of health. That's the trouble with him. He's been trying- to live up to them. . What does he do ? Everything that he is told to do, and when he isn't doing anything else, he worries because the rules are so conflicting. And it is undermining his health ? Of course. It would urdermine anyone's health. What are some c f the rules ? Well here are two of them; ' Eat only a light breakfast, and * Breakfast should be the best meal of the day.' What are some of the others ? 'Run or walk two miles before breakfast,' and never attempt to do anything thing on an empty stomach.' Any more ? ' Take a cold bath the first thing in. the morning,' and ' Remember the shock to the system of sudden'.y tmojuateriuij heat or cold is very injurious.' Anything else ? ' Never use a pillow,' and 'The most refreshing sleep is that when the head is elevated.' la that all? Oh, dßar, no. There are hundreds of other rules. For instance: 'Do not get in the habit of sleeping ih the daytime,' and ' Always take a nap in the afternoon;' ' Eat only at meal times,' and 'Eat whenever you are hungry;' ' Eat no meat,' and 'if you would be strong eat plenty of fresh meat;' ' Get up at five o'clock every morning,' and 'sleep until thoroughly rested, no matter how Jafc« it is.' : I'm not surprised that he looks haggrrd andill. Neither is anyone else who knows what he is trying to do. - ■ .-- .. J i TWO IRISHMEN. ' Will you dine with me to-morrow, Mr. -?' asiked one Irishman of. another. ' 'Faith, and I will, with all my heart.' ' Remember 'tis only a family dinner I'm askin' you to.' ' And what for not—a family dinneris a migbty pleasant thing. What have yer got?* «OoVnothing uncommon! An elegant piece of corn beef and potatoes.' J .; ; ' •By the powers, that beatß the world! 1 Jist mv dinner to an hair—barring the beef!*