Humour.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 361, 9 April 1903, Page 7

Humour.

HE CONPtDENCBD HIMSELF. O BSSB HAD heard so much about con* toils n< *ence men,' said a real estate 0 cSa> dealer,' that when I took my first trip some years ago, I thought every man I saw had a trick up his sleeve. Two days passed and no one approached me, and I had begun to think they rated me as too sharp for 'em, when 1 had an appointment to meet a man at a certain number. It" was a warm day, and I was mopping my brow and rushing along, when a chap overtook me with a roll of money in his hand and said : ' Excuse me, sir, but you have dropped your boodle.* * Sir !* said I, as I halted, «I may be a spring chicken, but I don't peck at that kind of corn!' - > ■ ' I'm an honest man,' he went on, as.he held out the roll. 'Then keep "your money for your honesty.' * Do you mean it ?' ' I certainly do, and I wish you better luck in up your next flat.' 'He pocketejl thja money, smiled and moved off, and for the next fifteen minutes I cackled over my sharpness. I had heard of that old game fifty times ovor, but : i that roll of greenbacks looked so tempting that if I hadn't been on my guard I should have fallen a victim.' * But you didn't fall ?' was remarked. •Alas! no.' 'But why alas V ' Because it was my own roll, and there was £BO ia it! I had pulled it out of my

hind pocket with my handkerchief, and an honeßt man had met with insult in trying to restore it to me. He was told to keep it, and he certainly did j and if he doesn't think I'm the biggest fool he overcame aeross I certainly do!' NOT THAT KIND. ' What is a conjunction P' asked the teacher.

'That which joins together,' was the prompt reply. 'Give me an illustration,' said tbe teacher.

The up-to-date girl hesitated and blushed. ' The marriage service/ she said at last.

Teacher: ' Have you found out the definition of miser yet ?' Alice: ' Yes. Mother says it is a man who thinks his wife's hate oughtn't to cost any more than his own.'

Boy (to yGung lady who had been unfortunate enough to upset Col. Bunker) : ' You'd better ride on before he gets 'is breath. Miss!' Young Lady: «Why P' Boy: • I've 'eard 'im play golf ! v

' See where they've formed a broom stick trust * 8 What for P' ' To beat the carpet trust.'

* Why, there are physicians in Germany who charge only two cents for a consultation and four cents for a visit,' said the mean man.

«Well, if they always get that much, they beat me/ said the doctor.

* Yes, papa, Jack says he expects his income will be doubled next year.' ' That's good. Some day he may make enough to support himself."

' The man who owes his landlord lives, fig uratively speaking, over a volcano.' 'WhyP' ' Because he is likely to be blown up.'

Church : ' I never cross a bridge until I come to it.'

Gotham: 'Well, if you refer to the Brooklyn Bridge, you have a good deal of trouble even then.'

Youngwell (on bridal to \t) : 'I would like rooms for myself and wife.' Hotel Clerk : ' Suite, I suppose P" Youngwed: 'That's what. She's the sweetest thing that ever happened.'

« That ain't law,' said the attorney to the Billville jo stice. «I know it,' replied the justice, 'but it's Me; an'ef ever I hear of you appealing from my decision I'll settle with you personally. Bailiff, clear the court.'