Humour.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 359, 26 March 1903, Page 2

Humour.

TWO donkeys! £ffs§o ' come down in the world' ia not wWk thfl misfortune of the human race j§jj§j§§ alone. Animals who have occupied exalted positions freqm-ntly end their days in very humble spheres. The pair of white Egyptian donkeys used by the late Queen Victoria to draw her garden ehaisp, ar<Fspending the remainder of their days in the Homo Park paddocks at Hampton Court Palace, and the animals have been seen harnpssed to a revolving axle near the Hampton Wick Gate providing the motive power of a hay elevator in the rickyard! NINE LIVES. The cool way in which a little boy, and especially a naughty cue, will make an announcement of trouble would be more often amusing if there were not some evil pertaining to it. Here is a casa in point.. Aunt Tabitha had a very fine Persian cat, ; called Pompey, and a naughty little nephew called Tommy. Pompey, she declared, was the handsomest cat in the world, while Tommy's reputation reached the other extreme. He e *me in one day and sat quietly down, and at the end of two minutes he blurted out: ' Auntie, do cats have nine lives ?' ' They say st>,' relied Auntie. ' Why do you atk ?' ' Because,' said Tommy,' I just tried my new air-gun on Pompey, and I fancy I killed one of 'em.'

QUOTING. Children continue to f Ornish amusing replies to questions. Recently a Sunday-school teacher talking to her pupils about ciuelty to animals, said: 'Only a coward would abuse a creature that has no means of protecting itself. Why, children, I once knew a little boy who ont off a calf's 'tail I Think of it—he took a knife and cut the tail right off. Can anyone tell me a verse in the Bible that would have taught this cruel boy that he should not have out off the calf's tail P' After a moment's silence a little girl held up her band and was asked to repeat the verse she meant. She astonished her teacher by saying, ' What God hath joined together, let no man put asunder.' ARTFUL. A small boy was playiag with his brother at cricket one day in the street, when he sent the ball through a window. Giving his brother the bat he told him to rnn, while he went and rang the house bell. On the door being opened by the lady of the house, he said: ' Look, missus, that little boy's broke your window.' The little boy by this time was beyond pursuit aad the lady said - ' Oh, thank you, my little man, here's a penny for you.* ' Please, ma'm,' said the artful youth,. * I'd rather have the ball.' He got the ball and the penny, too, and then ran cff to join his brother, who was only round the corner. WHAT HE'D GET. Fire insurance agent, to shopkeeper, after a long argument on insurance: ' Well, now, let me persuade you to insure your house and shop premises.' 1 Shopkeeper: ' Supposing I insure my shop, and it is destroyed by fire a week after the first premium is paid, how much should I get P' Insurance Agent (after a pause): 'Well —er, I should say, in all probability, about six months' hard labour!' FROM SIAM. The following choice piece "of English comes from a Siamese newspaper, under the heading' Shooting Outrage—O Fearfnl Agony': * Khoon Tong was a man of Lampoon and on his return accidentally shot at by •■ some miscreant scoundrels. Untimely death, oh fearful! All men expressed their morne. The cowardice dogs is still at large.' TROUBLE FOR THE MAID. The two young men reached the door at the same time. 'ls Miss Walsingham in P' they asked. The maid looked at them and shook her head disconsolately. ' She's in to wan av ye an' out to the other,' she said at last; ' but the two av ye comin' together has got me so tangled I'm blest if I know which is which. But come right in, both av ye, an' I'll ask her to come down an' pick ye out.' A JAPANESE MATRIMONIAL 'AD.' A paper published in Tokio, Japan, recently contained the following curious matrimonial advertisement:-—'l am a beautiful woman. My abundant, undulating hair envelops me as a cloud. Supple as a willow is my waist. Soft and brilliant is ray visage as the satin of the flowers. I am endowed with wealth suffisient to saunter through life hand in hand with my beloved. Were Ito meet a gracious lord, kindly, intelligent, welleducated, and of good taste, I would unite myself with him for life.' INSURANCE AT NINETY-FOUR. The insuring of one's life is one of those things which one is most apt to put off. There are few, however, who postpone what ought to be the inevitable until so late a period in life as did the tough 'old smack-owner of Grimsby. When he presented himself at the insurance office he was naturally asked his age. His reply was 'Ninety-four.' * Why,'my good man, we cannot insure you,' said the Company. 'Why notP' he demanded. 'Why, you are ninety-four ye*r« of age.' ' What of that?' the old man cried.- 'Look at statistics, and they will tell you that fewer men die at ninety-four than at any other age.'