Humour.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 352, 5 February 1903, Page 2

Humour.

IN THE SICK ROOM. Convalescent—' I'm very hard up, Doctor. £ don't know when I shall be able to pay you for this job. Could you manage to take it out in trade ?' Doctor. —'Oh, yes, I have no doubt we could airange that. What is your business P* ; * Convalescent.—' I'm a Cornet-player.' TELLING NO LIES. ' Mary Ann asked me for a reference.' ' Did you give her one P' ' Yes, I did. I didn't want Jos to go away in a bad temper." /^ ' What could you say ?' 'Why, I said everything that's nice about her.' 'How could you? Yju said she was dreadfully incompetent.' ' Well, I called ner Belinda all the way through'it, and whoever reads it will think she must have stolen it from some other girl.' AMBITION DID IT. ""' I had a man on my place,' said the Wyoming ranch owner,' who turned out to be so lazy and worthless that I gave orders to have him discharged. He came to me about it, and I siid: ' Jim, you've got to go. You are not worth your salt. Take you all in all, I never saw a more worthless man.' • Don't you believe I'll ever amount to anything?' he asked. • You'll never be fit for wolf bait.' &' He went away looking very dejected, and I saw no more of him for three days. Then he rode up on a horse and called me out and said: ■ Major, I just stoppsd to l'.t you see hew mistaken you was. I've robbed the Blue Hills stage of four hundred dollars, stolen this horse, brcke into a post-office, and cleaned out three Chinamen, in the last three days, and now I'm off to help rob a passenger train. So long, majorso long!' ALL THE SAME TO HIM. The father wa«s testinsr his little bay's knowledge of the story of Noah, which he had carefully rehearsed. The boy had been thinking hard, and his answer to the first question showed that he had at least the virtue of originality. 8 Now,' said papa,' can you tell me how Noah knew that the waters had gone down ?' The boy hbsitated a minute, as if seekingfor the proper words to express" himself ; then he said : 'Noah knew the waters had gone down because the dove came baek bringing him a pickle.' Olives and picklaa were synonymous terms in the small boy's mind for things which come in bottles, and which he did not like.

A BOT'S DEFINITION OF PEACE. ' Can you tell me the meaning of the wcrd peace ?' asked Miss Gray ef a little boy who had just recited a patriotic poem in which the word occurred. 'Peace means when you ain't got no children/ answered the child. * How is that ?' asked Miss Gray. 'When my mother has washed and dressed her fix children for school in the morning, she saya: ' Now, I'll have peace.' THE GOLDEN RULE. Edith had a new hat with which she was mnch pleased. She wore it one day on an errand to a neighbor's, and it began to rain by the time she reached the neighbor's bouse. Sie did her errand on the doorstep, the lady not thinking to ask her in. Then she said, solemnly: •If I was a lady and owned a house, and a little girl, five years old, with a new hat, came to do an errand when it rained, I would ask her to walk in a little while and keep her hat dry !' The lady saw the point. THE LETTER T. An old one is the letter T, for Time begins ■ with it\ you see; it is the starting point of Tru'.h, the virtue which we teach our youth. Jt Btarts the Tattler's busy tongne, is in the Tie when men are hung, is at the head of every Train that pounds the rails o'er hill and plain. All Trouble starts with it, and when peace is established once again the shifty character we see at head of sweet Tranquillity, In Talk it alwajs takes the lead, from Turmoil it is never freed, 'tis found at root of every Tree, it leads the Tempest on the sea. 'Tie always found in Toil and Trade, in every Theatre 'tis playeu. It leads our Thought, and when we die is in the Tomb in which we lie. NERO. •I note,' Baid the editoi, 'that you speak of Nero as running his hand through his long, flowing locks.' ' Teß,' answnred the author, ' There is nothing remarkable in that.' ' How do you know that Nero had long hair ?' 'My dear sir! Aren't you aware that Nero was one of the most celebrated fiddlers of hiß day P» '