Humour.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 350, 22 January 1903, Page 7

Humour.

Wife: 'Your club is evidently much more attractive to you than this house, but that is all your fault. Why don't you make your home as comfortable as your club?' i : r Husband: \ Couldn't-possibly do it, my dear; it takes over a hundred of us to keep the club up to its perfection.' ' Mrs O'Brien: ' Good marnin', Mrs McCabe, An' phwat makes yez look so sad?' Mrs McCabe : ' Shure, Dennis was sint to th' penitintiary fer six months.' Mrs, O'Brien: 'Well! Shure. don't worry: Six months will soon pas 3.' Mrs McCabe:.'Shure, that's phwat worries me." 'lt seems stupid of Tomkins to attempt such big things, when he fails so miserably every time. I wonder if he will ever learn the measure of his ability ?' 'My dear fellow, no. He'U never have sense enough to discover what a fool hois.' A gentleman who was about to take a house in a'village in a district which he had heard spoken of as being particularly healthy in'errogatod an inhabitant on the subject. 'Do people often die here?' he said, J Well,' was the answer, i about the same as in other places. Nevermore than once.' An unsophisticated old woman asked a druggist the other day if he had any soap. *Y«a, ma'am,' he replied. 'Do you want it scented or unscented ?' •WeU,'she replied,' as if s so small I think I'll take it along with me.'

'Yon know what abominable wine my venerable father-in-law-to-be usually drinks ?' [ Well, it was his birthday last Sunday, and I took him some of the. best claret I could buy and told Lucy to put it at his elbow. And what do you s appose the old fellow said.' , 'Give it up.' • | *He said he thought he'd save it until they had company to dinner.' A foreigner had spoken of his nation's skill with the rifle. - * "- ' Thaf s nothing !' said his host. ' In America, we never think of shooting at a still target; some one just rolls a tub down-hill, and you've got to put three consecutive bullets into the bunghole before you can become a member of the club.. There's a fresh trial of members every month, and any man that misses one of his three shots has to leave the club/ Then, with a pause designed to create the impression that hyperbole had reached its limit, the narrator would add, ' And we haven't lost a member for three years.'

'Hi! look here. Your beastly dog has bitten me!' exclaimed the bicycle rider. Pat: ' Sure, yer honour, an' flier's many a bicycler been after complainin' on j him, the blayguard!' Professor: A strong glass will show you that nearly all the stars are double. Student: I'm afraid, sir, that it takes at least two strong glasses to produce that effect on me.