ODDS AND ENDS.

Ashburton Guardian, Volume VII, Issue 1903, 27 July 1888, Page 3

ODDS AND ENDS.

' If one cigar make a man 111, will two make a Manilla. Let ub honor and respect the busy bee. Onoe fu'l, he makes straight for home, The Injury of prodigality leads to this, that he who will not economise it will have to agonise. —Oonf uolns. " What does It mean when tho King rent his olothe? V "I B'pose he hired thi m out:, ma'am." — Tho Teacher The worst thing about persons that don't know anything Is that they don't know that they don't know anything Maiden aunt — " But remember, my dear niece, tha' to get married ia a very solemn thing." " Ye-es, auntie, hot not to get married is a more solemn thing." Maud : And so you are not going to marry young Softly ) Ethel : No. I can't marry blm. 1 cover oonld make a pretty capital S, and so It would be hard for me to write my name. " Oh, pa 1 pa 1" exclaimed Luoy, as ber father returned to the parlor after throwing the young man ont, " How could you. That was my Bill." "Well," returned the Irate parent, " I've settled it." Four burglars recently broke into a Liverpool polioe superintendent's office. When they were captured they appeared to be muoh chagrined, It being contrary to the etiquette of the " profession " to ioterfi vd with the residences of polleemen. Joneß, meeting Smith, with whom he was oat late the night b»fore : " Well, old man — got home all right V Smith, gloomily : •• Tes, bnt my wife wouldn't speak to me." Jones, enviously ; "Laoky fellow 1 Mine did V Furniture Dealer (to elderly maiden) " And there is another advantage, ma'am which tbe folding-bed has over the ordinary kind." Elderly Maiden : "What is that, Bir?" Furniture Deder : "You don't have to look unier to see if there is a mon there." "Why, Pat, for heaven's sake what's the matter 1 ?" Weil, sorr, I swallowed a pertater bug, an' although, sorr, I tuck some parrus grean wldln folve mlnlts aft ea ter kill th' baath, still he's just raisin' th' devil inside o' me, sorr," — "Life." Striker (to wife)! "Well, what suooes»?" Wife: "Very good, John. Mrs Smith will give me a week's wash to-morrow, and she thinks she oan find some plain sewing for me to do." Striker (enthußlastloally): "Splendid! We'll make tho company get down on Its knees yet I" — Life.

New York hotel dork to Missouri oolonel — " What was that noise in your room ?" " Oh, I bad to break the neck off a bottle I found there, as I couldn't draw the oork." " Why, the only bottle there was a hand grenade for extinguishing fire i" "Is that so? I thought the liquor was very mild !" At a prayer meeting in a Western town the pastor urged the people to ask any question that they would like to have answered. ' This prompted an old fellow to get up and remark : " What I want to know ie, ef an oath taken on a Bible which hez the fust ten chapters of Gennysis kisßed off- it, is binding ?" Wife : " What is meant, .Tohn, by the phraße, ' carrying coals to Newcastle?'" Husband : "It is a metaphor, ray dear, showing the doiDg of something that is unnecessary." \Yife:"l don't exactly understand. Give me an illustration— a familiar one." Husband: "Well, if I were to bring you homo a book entitled How to Talk, that would be carrying ooals to Newcastle." Scene — Near Balloch ; a par ! y out shooting rabbits. Laird, handing his bottle to a bashful gamekeeper : " Here, my man, take a half." Gume'ooper : " Hoocb, sir, I canna drink oot o' a bottle" Laird : '• Toots, man — try I" Gamekeeper, after nearly emp'yina; it, chokingly : " Ththanks, air, ' Laird, eyeing the nearly empty bottle, satirically : " And you can't drink out of a bottle ? MaD, you would soon learn !" A clergnman of the old school was staying at a country bouse when rabbits wero very plentiful, and during his s'.ay had tbem served up in every Bhape and form till tbe rev gentlemen thought it time to give his hostess a hint that a change of diet would be acceptable. Accordingly, on being asked as usual to fay a grace over the meal he Baid :— "Of rabbits hot and rabbits cold, Of rabbitß young and rabbits old ; Of rabbit 8 tender and rabbits tough, Of rabbits, Lord, we've had enough, How considerate I — Cook : •' Please, mum : you needn't pull tho bell ten times when you want me ; I oan hear when you've rung three times." The commander of tbe United Sfateß man-of-war Michigan lately played off a cruel joke on his crew. The men were not as particular aa they ought to have been respecting the disposition of their ueed up quids of tobacoo. and the oaptaln resolved to tea oh them a lesson. Seeing one day a quid lying on tbe deok, he ordered a gun tackle, whioh weighed over a ten, to be lifted from the hold and rigged np. A silken thread was attaohed, the quid was lassood, and, with a " yo ! heave-oh 1" from all hands, was hoisted overboard. Then the tackle wa,s rep'aoed in tho hold, and Qfter eleven hours of bard work the men were allowed to go below.

A certain bishop preached a sermon in Lent from the text, " All ftaeh Ib graas " The next day he met his coachman in the garden, who approaohed and wanted to ask a question, "The tup of the morning to your rlverence ! " said Tcreooa. " Did I fairly understand your lordship to say, •All flesh Is grass,' last Sunday V "Yes," replied hla lordship, "and you're a heretio If you doubt It." " Whist P said Terence, " Nlver a bit of doubt ; but I was only for askln' your lordship If, seetn' as It was Lint, I might be havln* a. small pieoa of bafe by way of a salad." Negroes are deeply religious In oharaoter though they maintain a too rigid separation between religion and morality. There was once a planter "up the coast," whose flocks and herds bad suffered from depredations of his colored neighbors. His method of solf,-preaf ovation was unique. He built a church whioh he presented to the negroes upon one oondition. This condition was annouuoed to the congregation from the pulpit by their minister. It was that bo long would the sacotuary remain open, but upon the disappearance of the first article the ohorch waa to be olosed, never to be re-opened. The plan worked' faultlessly, and while, other plantations suffered as ot old, the originator of this sohomo possessed his goods In peace.— "N.Y. Post." Mrs Emily OrawfcrJ, tho eminent Paris journallit, I* derribed by 'tThe Star," of London, as an Irish woman, who remembers as a child being o.rried about on O'Oonnell's ehoulders. She fas a strong, hondaome face, blue eyes, full of morrl. ment and expression, heavy black lashes and very abundant white hair, whioh she wears with extreme slmpllolty. Although she writes most intelligently when she wills of the latoat Paris fashions, she never troubles about her own ostumo, whioh is always blaokj wearing whatever the dresa- ! maker qh.nbes to send homo to her. She Is an extremely brilliant woman, an always , Interesting talker, full of wit and anecdote, I never for a moment at loss for a word, and without a Bpatk of malice Jo, her ijouiposiShe has extraordinary health and strength, and a beautiful unconsciousness Of heraelf tha,t Is extremely taking. In a Bftloon filled with beautiful women, the clever women, the statesmen and the wits Invariably gravitate in her direction. She Is so goodhnmcred, so amusing and ao natural ,• a qulok-wltted Celt by birth, a Parisian by eduqatlon, and, a good woman from prlnolple—sOrely this Is a