MOSER'S AUTOMATIC DOG.

Ashburton Guardian, Volume V, Issue 1485, 17 February 1887, Page 2

MOSER'S AUTOMATIC DOG.

Jaok Moser rented a cottage m the suburbs m order to please his wife. Th« house lacked a number of modern improvements, and, unlike all other cottages advertised, was not " within five minutes' walk of the nearest railway station ;" but had an ivy-olad piazza, woodbine twisted gracefully over the doorway, and Jack's wife was satisfied. She had a " vine-embowered cottage," for which she had frequently yearned. Jaok thought they ought to have a ferocious dog to warn off tramps, -midnight robbers, and other obnoxious visitors, but his wife wouldn't listen to Buoh a proposition. She said she would as lief have a robber or tramp m the house as a cross dog about. She intimated that her husband might bring home a Bengal tiger or a sheep, or some other wild beast, but if he purchased a dog she would go right home to her mother's. Her deep-rooted aversion to the oanine tribe was owing to one of her dear friends having been bitten by a mad dog several years before. Jaok had set his heart upon having an able-bodied dog for protection, but as he bad -hnnix marriAil only a tow months, and the honeymoon still retained some of its saccharineneßs, he was willing to make one more 6aonfico to augment his wife's happiness. But be didn't dismiss the dog from his mind ; and one day, while reflecting upon the feeling of seourity suoh an acquisition would afford, ha conceived an idea. He would have a dog built according to a design of his own invention. It might be a little more expensive than a genuine dog, but at this early era of his married life money was not bo. muoh an oljeot as Mrs Moser 's felicity. The automatio animal was successfully built. It was of the bulldog brand. One eye was bloodshot and the lid swollen, and one ear had a ragged edge as if it had been "chawed" m an old feud. Its jaws were flabby, the undamaged eye had a wicked glare, ami the whole contour of the brute was one of repulsiveness m the first degree. Observation had taught Jack that when a man wished to gain a dog's confidence he instinctively patted the animal on the head: The interior department of Jaok's dog, therefore, was fitted up with machinery of » very sensitive oharaoter, which was oonneoted with a wire running ftom a button on the animal's head, and when this .button was slightly pressed, the internal eontrivanoe would go off like an alarmclock—one of those diabolioal inventions that wakens up every member of the family except the servant girl, m whose room the infernal maohine is at work. When the dog was patted on the head the brute would make a slight move, open its jaws, and emit a prolonged and sonorous growl that would cause the oold shivers to meander along the spinal oolumn of a snuff-shop wooden Highlander. The dog was brought home, and Jaok got his wife to test it. She said it was an ugly brute, but she wasn't afraid of any homemade dog ; and when she patted it on the head, at her husband's suggestion, and was greeted with an unexpected and bloodcurdling growl, she let escape an earpiercing shriek, and fainted dead away. The dog was an overwhelming success. It was regarded as an offensive partisan by every member of the tramp fraternity who halted at the gate and threw a hungry glance toward the cottage. One day Jaok and his wife left home for a short visit to the Beaside. The house was securely closed, and the automatio dog planted where it would do the moßtgood. That very evening a couple of dirt-begrimed tramps stopped m front of the cottage. One of them unlatched ths front gate, and was about to enter when suddenly his gaze beoame rivetted on an objeot m the path. "Whe-ewl" he softly whistled, backing away from the fence, " Great Ciesar, Jimmy 1 just take a squint at the size of the brute I" "Yer not afeered of him, are yor, Bill?" said his companion. " But look at the wioked eye of him ! He's a terror. None of him m rains, if yer please, Jim." "¥er a coward, Bill," said the tramp addrofcsed as Jim. " See yer uncle make friends with the terror." And Jim cautiously approaohed Moser's dog, using all the wheedling terms of endearment at his command. "Poor old fellow I Gome here, my fine beauty ?" Then he whistled encouragingly, and snapped his fingers cajolingly. 11 S-s-p p-p-p-p-r-t," he chirped, plaoing his hand caressingly on the dog's head. " Ho, you old fel " At this juncure the dog's body moved forward, his mouth opened, and un awful, never-distracting " Bmrr-Gnrrr ! " issued from its throat, and the tramp dashed out of the yard with so muoh impetuosity and unexpected oelerity that be lost a portion ul bis tattered garments clinging to the gatelatoh. " It's mighty luoky for yer, Jimmy, that the big-headed cur didn't lunch oil yer hind leg," said Bill, as the twain hurriedly resumed their journey, Next morning Mrs Moser's mother arrived. Wishing to give her daughter a little surprise, Bhe had not apprised her of her intended visit. It was Mrs Closer's mother, however, who received the surprise. And it wasn't so very little eitber. She saw the dog aa soon as Bhe opened the gate, and S'ood undecided whether to advance or retreut. "What au ugy monster I" she mused, •' And Caroline would never have a dug about the boune, eitber 1 It'B very strange. But may be it's somebody's animal that has wandered into the yard." "Then ebo dosed the gate between herself and the dog. raised ber umbrella threaten' ingly, and cried :-«

" Git out ; Go 'way, you nasty boast I Shoo 1 Soat, you dirty dog ! " But Moser'a dog didn't. " Cavrie ! Gar-o-Hne ! " called the old lady *, but for some obvious reasons there was no response. Catoline was some miles distant. 14 Well, I'm not going to stand here all day," finally Baid Moser's wife's mother, with an air of determination. " I'll sea if I can't make friends with the homely oanine. Corns JL'owser," she coaxed. " Good doggy ! Nice old Carlo 1 Here, Prinoe, come here 1 " Then the old lady, having almost unconaoiously advanoed within reach of the dog, slowly extended her hand and began to pat it on the head. " You nioe old do — — " " Ouoh ! Fire ! Murder ! Git out 1 Caroline 1 Oh-000-oo ! " she screamed, aa the dog's deep bay, " Grrrrrr 1" seventeen yards long by a foot m ciroumferenoe, pierced the adjacent atmosphere. The best previous tima made by a badly soared woman m getting out of a front yard is not on record, but Moser's wife's mother beat it. She was m a hurry, She didn't say so, bat aha wa», all the same. " Oh, my 1" Bhe gasped, when Bhe reaohed the middle of the road and discovered thai the dog had not followed her, " I thought I was a dead woman, sure I" Then aba looked at her satohel, which lh« had slashed around wildly m her flight, and which had burst open by coming m contact with tht gate-post. " I deolare if the jar of currant jelly I brought Caroline doesn't lay smashed all to bits m the yard 1 John Moser heard that I was coming, and got that horrid ugly monster on purpose— l know he did I I'll go right home and never set foot m the ungrateful wretch's house again 1" And she left by the next train, • fairly boiling with anger; and one of tht flnt things she did upon her arrival home was to make an alteration m her will. The next visitor at the MoMr eottagt was a tax collector, who had a variegated •*• perienoe. He boldly opened the gate, leisurely olosed it after him, and started up the path, meohanioally {ambling m an inside pocket. " Whew I" he ejaculated, at the automatic contrivance enoountered his vision. " I'll bet that overgrown dog is kept for thaspeoial benefit of tax collectors. Here, Ball t Odnt here, old fellow 1" he coaxed. "If I had A revolver I'd blow the roof off the savage* looking brute 1" Then he advanoed gingerly towards the dog, nsing kind words that never die, and cautiously placed his hand on the animal's head. There was a tree near by, and the tax oolleotor was safely at the top of it before the oadences of Moser's dog's " G.r-r.r-r.r« B-r-r-r-r-r" had died away. With the tax oolleotor time was money, bat, all the same be concluded to remain m the tree and think about one thing and another until the dog retired, or someone came to hig resoue. . Five minutes devoted to vigorous yelling con. vinoed him that the Moßer cottage was unoooupiidt The sun had sunk behind the western hills, bathing the landscape m a field of purple baze, and tall trees m an adjaoent meadow were darkly silhouetted against the hazy skies, but th 6 tax oolleotor didn't enjoy the scenery to any considerable extent, for his position m the tree was beooming very uncomfortable, and the dog was still there. And he was annoyed by the animal's har« rowing and persistent silence. .- Finally the tax oolleotor conoluded to venture down the tree, and take his chances. The feat was accomplished with a rapidly beating heart, and when he safely reaohed the gate . without the dog making a demonstration, his courage quiokly returned and assumed huge pro* portions. " Perhaps the wretohed brute is asleep,'* he reflected. " I must have revenge." And the thoughts of revenge made him feel very brave indeed. He left the gate open, to per* mit of a hasty escape, and then proceeded to gratify his thirst for revenge. " The animal is as quiet an a statue, and I'll just give him one vigorous kick for luok, and then glide out of the gate like lightning." And he bestowed the kick. - Only one. It was a hearty, a one-hundred-pound-fo«the« Bquare.inch kick, but it was enough— for the tex oolleotor. One million pounds m onsh would not have induoed him to give Moser'a dog another kick. Not with the same foot, anyway. That part of the programme relating to gliding out of the gate, like lightning was omitted. But the tax colleotor did some gliding, nevertheless. He glode around on one foot, nursing the other with his hanis, and yelled like a thousand throats. He thought his toes were telescoped into his ankles, but they were not. Two of them were broken, and two others badly bent, but the dootor who dressed bin injuries said he thought his patient could dispense with a orutoh m about two months. The tax collector's fate should teach a man to refrain from attempting to kiok the maohinery out of a sleeping dog— especially one of the automatio breed. It is a mean advantage to take of the unsuspecting animal. When Jack Moser returned home, his dog, like the Bhineland watch, was " still there," Bhowing no sign of hunger or fatigue. When Jack saw the mashed jar of currant jam and a dozen tax demand notes lying about th« yard, he qniokly surmised that hit dog had strictly attended to business during his ab* sence. He oontemplates having hii automatio dog patented, but when he hears from his mother-in-law ho will probably change hit mind.