RANDOM READINGS.

Ashburton Guardian, Volume V, Issue 1338, 28 November 1885, Page 2

RANDOM READINGS.

O’Connell said of a certain lady, when she went to Dublin as lady-lieutenant, that she had all the qualities of the kitchen poker without its occasional warmth. Papa, what do jon intend to give me for a birthday present ?” asked a young girl of her father, a well known London magistrate. “ Give you,” said the magistrate, whose mind was evidently on something else, “give you? I’ll give you six months.”

A Hibernian orator, dilating on the wrongs of hia country, said that for a long series of years West of Ireland farmers bad not only borne the vile Saxon oppression, but had to suffer also* severe “visitation of Providence.” “A visitation of improvidence, he means 1” was the audible comment of an Ulster man who stood in the crowd.

“ This is a funny doctrine,” exclaimed Brown who had been reading of metempsychosis. “ The Idea of the human soul entering the body of an animal 1 According to this doctrine, my aonl may, at some fat are time, inhabit the body of a jackass I” “ And why not 1” asked demurely the friend who was listening. “It would certainly feel more at home there than anywhere else.” In spite of the recent Corrupt Practices Act, there are persons to be found who still look upon a vote as valuable property —so it would seem, at least, from the following story, which comes from Yorkshire. A gentlemen, speaking to one of

his tenants, observed that probably next year he would have a vote. “ Ihopeso,” answered the tenant. “ And will yon give it to the Conservative candidate ?” “ No ; they say the Conservatives didn't want ns to have it.” “ Then you will give it to the Liberals?” “Not if I know itj they're a set of humbugs 1” “ What will you do with it then ?” “Why, keep it for myself, of course !” Modern Girdle of Yenus—A coat sleeve. What is the remedy that ought to be applied both to au old shirt and a truant schoolboy ? Collar him first, and cuff him afterwards. A newly-married conple riding in a carriage were overturned, whereupon a bystander said it was “a shocking sight.” “ Yes,” said the gentleman—“ to see those just wedded fall out so soon 1” On one occasion a friend of Lord Al-

vanley’s came for bis advice in the following “‘ Mr has threatened to kick me whenever he sees me in society. What am I to do if he comes Into the room 1’ ‘ Sit down,’ replied Lord Alvanley. " “John,” said a chemist, “how is onr stock of lint for bandages 1” “Got plenty,” said John. “ And arnica—are we well supplied with that I”|s“)Tes sir.” “ Oar stock of salves, lotions, and brokenbone remedies of all sorts is complete, is i* “Yes, sir, we’ve got enough of everything.” “ Very well, then,” said the proprietor, glancing at the sky through the front window; “it looks as though we might have a cold freezing night, and you bad better go out and wash down the steps t” When a piece of salt meat is wanted in a hurry, there is a home method known as “ hasty salting,” which is done in the following way. Take a wooden tab or salting-pan and nearly fill it with fresh water. Take two thm laths of wood and lay them across the top ; on these lay the meat about an inch above the water; her o on it as much salt as will thorongbly cover without wasting, and let it stand. The moisture from the water will draw the salt through, and in twenty-four hours the meat will be fit to boil. An American author, on being chided - for bis long entences, replied that only one class of people was really opposed to long sentences, and that was the criminal class.

Scene—French police-court. The President: “You here again, and for thef l -, as usual 1” The accused: “Mr President, it is all the fault of my doctor. That eminent man was consulted by me, and warned me that, in order to avoid the cholera, 1 mast not change my way of living.” The late Dean Buokland is said to have been so intimately acquainted with the properties of all the geological formations of England that, being one night belated, and not knowing where he was, be alighted from his horse, took up a clod of earth, and examined it. He immediately exclaimed, “ Uxbridge!” and proceeded on his journey. A Scotch nobleman at a pariah meeting

made some proposals which were objected to by a well-io-oo farmer, and he became highly enraged. “Sir,” aaid he to the farmer, “do you know that I have been at two universities 1" “ Weel, s r,” saijjl the independent farmer, “ what a' that 2 I had a calf that snoked.twa kye, an' the observation I made was the mair he sacked the greater calf he grew.” A Methodist preacher in Cornwall had a pony which he wished to dispose of, and one day, meeting a friend, offered him the animal Everything was of coarse charming about the pony, and the bargain was nearly completed, when the purchaser said, “ I will ask only one question more. Is he staunch in harness i” To which the preacher replied, “My friend, you will be delighted to see him pull!” This was sufficient; the pony was bought, and, when a few days after,

the purchaser complained that it would not move an empty carriage, the preacher answered smilingly, “ I said you would be delighted to see him pull, and so should I have been; but 1 could never make him do it, my good friend ! ” Daring Sherman’s march to the sea the “Boys in Blue” sometimes resorted to strategic measures to fill the mesa-pot. One day a burly soldier attaohed a strong linen thread to his bayonet; at the other end was a small fish-hook seductively bailed. Passing an Irish woman’s cabin, he dropped his hook among a flock of geese and caught s big gander. As he started off on the double-quick, the woman noticed her pet gander rapidly following the retreating soldier, and, not suspecting the cause, came promptly to the lesoue with* “ Arrah now, me darlint, don’t run ! Shore the gander won’t hurt yes, me honey!” “ 1 know he will ] The darned thing means business!” replied the defender of the flag as he disappeared

over,a hill with the squawking gander in hot pursuit. In November last there were 316 saving banks in England, with 1,145,688 accounts remaining open, the total amount owing to depositors L33 ; 881,686 6a id. For the 50,000,000 souls in the United states there are 12,600 periodicals. For the 101,000,000 souls in Russia there are 626perio-iicals, of which but 63 are dailies. The whole of Siberia, with 4,000,000 of population, has only two newspapers and a bi-monthly of a geographical society.

The consumption of wine in Paris alone during the year 1883 was 103,791,634 gallons ; that of the whole United Kingdom was during the same year 14,382.983 gallons of wine of all countries. These 14,382,938 gallons were of a much higher quality than the bulk of the win# consumed in France.

Failure after Ibng perseverance it much nobler than never to have striven and so have incurred failure. u

Human nature requires change for its recreation. “Variety is charming,” not only because it is variety, but continuous effort in ouodirection produces lassitude, stateness, and decrease of power So far from duly and happiness being antagonists, they are necessary each to each for their perfect development. There, can never be a just and true and rightnous life where the element of happiness >h ignored or contemned, and there can never be true happiness where a life of dqty is Boomed or evoked.