MARK TWAIN’S FRIEND, THE UNDERTAKER.

Ashburton Guardian, Volume IV, Issue 1077, 18 October 1883, Page 4

MARK TWAIN’S FRIEND, THE UNDERTAKER.

In this now book, entitled “ Life on the MiMWwppl;”' Mark Twain tells how at Omaha ho learnt the following ■wrinkle on “ the art of inhumation ” : About the same (time, I encountered a man fo the street, whom I had not seen for six or seven years; and something like this talk followed. I said : ' “But yon used to look sad and oldish; you { Were did you got all this youth and bubbling cheerfulness 1 Give me the address. ’ , He chuckled blithely, took ofFhis shining tile, pointed to a botched pink circlet of paper pasted into his crown, with something lettered on it, .and went on chuckling■ T while d read 1 “ J.B. , Undertaker.” 1 Then he clapped his hat on, gave it an,irreverent,tilt to leeward, and cried outfr 1 what’s the- matter ! It used to *elWligh : ’Hinie,B. With me when you knew rbe-brfnsurance-kgency business, you knot#J»l : -irregul&r. Big fire, all right —brisk trade for ten days while people scared; after that, dull policybusiness till next fire. Town like this don’Auhavw-fires often enough a fellow strikes so many dull weeks in a row that he gets discouraged. But you b.t, this is the busmeas I < People: don’t wait for exampieslto die.t No,;isir, drop oft right along—there ain’t any- dull spots m the undertaker line. I just started in with two or three little old coffins and. a hired hearse, and now look at the thing!I*VO worked up a business here that would satisfy any man, don’t care who he is. Five years ago lodged in an attic; live in t a swell house now, with a ihansard root; and all the modern inconveniences.” “ Does a coffin pay so well ? la thsre much profit on a coffin 1” f . O “ Go-way 1 How you talk !” Then, with a wink, a dropping of the voiceband"an impressive laying of his hand bn my arm : Look here ; there’s one thinsA inp&is* (World which isn’t ever cheajt *That’s L a; coffin. There’s one thing in this world which a person don’t ever try to Jew you down on. - That s a r coffin. There’s one thing in this world which a person don’t -say, “ I'll look round a little, and if 1 fiLnd; I.can’t do better. I’ll come back land take’ it. That’s a coffin. Thldfe’s one thing in this World which a won’t take in pine if he can gc wmSut; arMTwobttake in walnut if he ian tgo mahogany ; an«i Won’t take in m4Hogaoy if he can go an iron casket with-Javer door-plate and bronze handles,. That’s a opffiß i &bd thbfe’s one thing in this world which you. don’t have to-worry around after a person to get him to pay for. And that’s a coffin. Undertaking? why, it’s the dead-surest business in Christgpjotp, snd- ; thC nobbiest. ■ “Why, just look at it. A rich man won’t bub. your, very best; and db t on, it on and sock it to■ him ’-f-he .won’t even hollet- you take in a pbor man,' and if you work him right he’ll bust himself on a single lay-out. Or especially a woinagu.- Flr t instance;:,Mrs O’Flaherty , .baf: eyes and kind of moaning. Unhandkerchief’s one eye, bats it around tearfully .over, ; the, stock ; says : ,1 * 1 ‘.Jui * - 1 •» “ ‘And fhat might ye ask fur that wan? “ ‘ TfiCcty-nina dollars, madam,’ Says L “ * It’s a foiatebig prrce, Bure, but Pat shall be hurried like a gentleman, as he was; if I had to work my fingers- off for it rjWkpWlthJjtßteua* sor.’S: “ ‘ Fes, madam,’ says I, ‘and its a very good one too; not costly, to be sure, but in th’s life we must cut our garment to our clothes, as the saying is.’ i: Andiasr she starts ami heave in, kind of casually, * This ona-with the white satin lining is a beauty, but I am afraidr-well, sixty-five dollars is a rather—ralheß4botno matter I felt obliged to say to Mrs O’Shaughnessy—” : - ‘"‘D’ye mahe' to soy that Bridget O’Shaughnessy bought the mate to that joo-ul box to ship that dhrunken divU to Purgatory in ?’ “Yes, madam.'* “ ‘Then Pat shall go to Heaven in the twin to it, if it takes the last rap the O’Flaherties ran raise ; and moini you, stick on some extras, too, and I’ll give ye another dollar.’”

“And as I lay-in with the livery stables of course I did not forget to mention, that Mrs O’Shaugljnesay hired fifty-four dollars’ worth-OT^BaoKh, 1 and filing' as 'much style into Dennis’s funeral as if he had been a duke or an 1 assassin. And of conrse she .sails in and goosAhe O’Shaughnessy abotft* four hacks add; an omnibus better. G -^T i hat- , used E 'to i hb, but that’s all played how ; that is, in this particular town. .'iThb 'Xriihlgot tb filing up hacks soon their funerals, that-a funeral left them ragged. Ahd lhungry for two- years' afterwards; <4O Che priest pitched in and broke it-allnp.)-'He-don’t allow them to have bqVtwo itacks .now, ? and sometimes only onje.i”,j i : mi-'' “ W01W” said I, if j on ; are so lightheartecb and jolly ;in ordinary times/ what must ydu-be in an epidemic ? ’ He shook his head. ■ * “ Noy-y Oil’tfe off. there. We don’t like to see ;An epidemic don’t' pay. WalliJjfjcoutee,' I don’t mean that exactly; but it don’t pay in proportion to a regular thing. Don’t it occur to you why?’ v* “ No.” ' ilo .*

“ Think.”r*n >six h : -~ “ I can’t imagine. .Whalis'it ?” ... “ It’S'ftaSt ifefelihitigs: ’H ell, what aratbevd”'' “Ontfifefaibarawirig’:-i I 1 “ And-what’s the other?” «£osyjw VA m _v- - u Hon.lSjtnM.l, 1 ■ “ jondinayy tim.es,; a> person. dies; and we W in aca; one day. two to com& ailot of it -malts 'ast. We for that-ice, and wac-pfjSee,. fo^.attendance., Well, don’t you know, when there.'? ap epidemic they rash ’em to the cemetery the minute the breath’s but. No markej; for ice, in an epid¥fbic.D jaSthe %ith bmbafnming. You take a family that’s ablp to embam, and you’ve got a soft thing. You can mention saftep. djflpbpnti waff tofdo it— ? though there 4WV only one'or two? ways, when you come down to.„the bottom facts of it—and they’ll take the highest priced way, every ‘time. 1 -'lt's' human nature—hpfftajk reason, you sot. wantp is physical immortality for'deceased, and they are willing tb tfey>for -it. '<All you’ve got to do is to ,apijl stack it up—they’ll staha *|hp.j»qKet.i .Why, man,, you can take a aetunot sjat ypu couldn’t give away; and get your ,einbamming traps aroqnd you .apd .go to w.ork,. and in a couple of hours he is worth a cool six' hundred-r-that’s he’s worth. ; There ain’t anyt'Kffag’.qaaal ' to it, but trading rats for . diamonds ia .time of famine. Well, see," wheh ,there’s an epidemic peqpe don’t No, -indeed thev bonjt ; . ahd it . hurts the business BKS 4t like hell-th, T—our, little joke in the trade. going Give me SM wßendver you need anyr-I mean, when your going by some time.” In bis joyful bieh spirits be < did the exaggerating .liniewi, -jf apy. >has, been done. I have not enlarged bn him. r ': With the above brief reference to , inhumation, let us leave the suhj'ect* .As for me, I hope to be cremated. .X made the remark to my pistqr opce, .who said, with tb think'was an impressive 4fM4r/ 'wouldn’t worry about that if I had your chances,” „ . ■ Much it—the family^ so annosedto it.