Miscellaneous.

Wairoa Bell, Volume IV, Issue 157, 5 August 1892, Page 6

Miscellaneous.

What is the difference between a pastrycook and a bill-sticker ? Cne puffs up paste, and the other pastes up puffs.

What is the difference between a pill and a hill ? One is hard to get down, and the other is hard to get up. Ir Mr Rowland Hill were to give each of his children half a sovereign, why would he be like the rising sun ? Because he tips the little Tlills with gold. Who was the first whistler, and what was his tune ? The wind, when he whistled “ Over the hills and far away,” The married ladies of a Western city have formed a Come-Home-Husband Club. It Is about four feet long, and has a brush at the end of it.

‘ Don’t come to see me any more just vet, John ; father is having his boots halfsoled, with two rows of nails in the toes.’ Why have fowls no future state ? Because they have their next world in this world (necks twirled in this world). Why are your nose and chin always at variance? Because words are continually passing between them. What kind of vice is that which people shun if they are -ever so bad ? Ad vice. What kind of sweetmeats did they have in the ark ?—Preserved pairs (pears). Why is wit like a jJChinese lady’s foot ? —Because brevity is the sole of it. Why is a man that does not bet ns bad as one that does ?—Because he is no better. Which travels at the greatest speed, heat or cold ? Heat, for you can easily catch cold. In what colour should a secret be kept ? —lnviolate (in violet).

This is the latest definition of a baby .* A palpitating bunch of nothing rolled up in a flannel, with the one faculty of almost automatic suctb n. Judge Dowling, of New York, in a charge said he considered an ail nlterator of milk worse than ‘ fifty liquor dealers.’ ‘ Oh ! raa,' exclaimed a stylish young Chicago miss, ‘ I can’t go to service, after all for I’ve no prayer-book.’ ‘ Why, yes you have, daughter,’ said the mother ; where’s that costly one 1 gave you at Christmas ? ’ ‘Oh ! that one,’ replied the miss, ‘ I couldn t carry that, for it doesn’t match my dress at all’,’ And the poor girl had to stay away from church privileges. ‘ Susan,’ said the madame of a boarding school, ‘ you say your young mistress wishes to absent herself from the class-room this afternoon ; is the reason for her staying away very urgent?’ Yes, mum, it is ’er gent.’ ‘ Why, Mrs Gubbins,’ said a friend to the wife of a newly-made alderman. ‘I never saw you looking so well !’ ‘ Ah,’ replied the unconscious lady, ‘ you should have seen me yesterday 7, when I had all my di’monds on ?’ ‘ I say, old fellow, you haven’t got a half crown about you that you don’t know what to do with, have you ?’ ‘ There’s one.’ ‘ Thanks—but, hallo, I say, do you know it’s bad ?’ You asked me for one I didn’t know what to do with ? The war- cry of the army of tramps—To alms. Talk is cheap—unless a lawyer does the talking, A favourite watering-place—A modem dairy. Tbe beginning of spring-time —The boys are playing leap-frog. Urn’ing a livelihood—Keeping a eoffse stall. The most notorious girl of the period 1 now known as Em. Bezzle, What part of a ship is like a farmer—The tiller. home of the comic lecturers have points too humorous to mention. Clown at, a circus : Here, ladies and gentlemen, is a pony. As you will see I can make him do whatever—he .’ikes. ‘I stand,’ said a Western stump orator, ‘ on the broad platform of the piinciples of ’9B, and palsied be my arm if I forsake ’em !’ ‘ You stand in nothing of the kind,’ interrupted a little shoemaker in the crowd ; * you stand in my boots that you never paid me tor, and I want the money.’ A young lady who has suffered from ‘ baggage-smashers ’ has had her trunk covered with flannel this season, having heard that flannel was a good chest protector. ‘ May they always live in peace and harmony,’ was the way in which an editor wound up the notice of the marriage of a couple of friends ; and it came out in his paper the next morning ; ‘ May they always live on peas and hominy.’ ‘ Let me see,’ said the nurse of a sick man, ‘ the doctor said one teaspoonfnl every 10 minutes ; that makes six every hour, say 72 during the night. I shall give him 72 spoonfuls right away, and have a chance to get a little sleep myself.’ Wilson, the celebrated vocalist, was upset one day in his carriage, near Edinburgh* A Scotch paper, after recording the accident said, ‘ We are happy to state that he was able to appear the following evening in three pieces !’ An American editor announces the death of a lady of his acquaintance, and thus touchingly adds, ‘ In her decease the sick lost an invaluable friend. Dong will she seem to stand at their bedside, as she was wont, with the balm of consolation in one band, and a cup of rhubarb in the other.' Mr Walker, of Augusta, was shot at the other day, and the ball lodged in a ball of tobacco in his pocket. The moral is obvious. It teaches those addicted to the weed to carry their tobacco in the pocket and not in the mouth.