"TEE BBUISERS OF TIMARU."

Nelson Evening Mail, Volume XVI, Issue 199, 22 August 1881, Page 3

"TEE BBUISERS OF TIMARU."

A new comic opera, entitled " The Bruisers of Timaru," (Bays the Siturday Advertiser), is about to be placed on the boards by Mr Cary, wbea the " Pirates of Penzance " is played out. The following extract will give onr readers some idea of the work:— Scene : A " Sociktt " Papee Office, Chbistchurch. Ed : When s fellow's not engaged in his employment, The Staff : His employment. Ed : Or gathering ia his scandal and his crams, The Staff : And his crams. Ed : His capacity for innocent enjoyment. The Staff : • 'Cent enjoyment, Ed : Is BooQetimes spoilt bj pugilistic shams, The Staff : 'Listic shams. Ed : AH senae of kindly feeling we must smother, The Staff : We meat smother. Ed: When stabbing in the dark is to be done, The Staff : To be done. Ed: Ah, take one consideration with another, The Staff : With another, Ep : The Editor's lot ii not a happy one, When stabbing in the dark is to be done The Editor's lot is not a happy one. (Chorosof Bruisers, without, in the distance) A rollicking band of Bruisers we, We've come to Christchurcb for a Bpree, And we will take the Liberty To make this office gory. Ed: Hush ! hush ! I hear them in the Square approaching ; Just tell them, boy, that I'm gone out a poaching. (Bruisers enter, singing chorus). We've come, you aee, from Timaru, So don't go out, we're wanting you. Wo mean to thrash you black and blue, And smash your upper Btorey. (The Bruiserß commence business. Splinters of skulls and showers of blood fly about in all directions.) Grand Tableau.

The snm of mocey placed in racing sweeps is enormous. Mr J. J. Miller states in bis spotting pamphlet, which we had received "by post, that last seacon lie received and disbursed in sweeps £36,000 on the Melbourne Cap, £14,000 on the Champion Race, and £2,000 on the Australian Cup. £52,000, therefore, passed through the hands of one man, in gambling, upon two races. The weather Jhas been cold in Otago as will bo set n from the following :~ " The heaviest fall of snow we have ever experienced fell during the beginning of last week (says the Dunstan Times), coveriug ,the surrounding mountains and hills with a mantle of virgin whiteness. On the Dunstan Flat it lay to a depth of fully six inches on Wednesday morning, and the youngsters— in fact, many of the oldsters— took advantage and entered merrily into the timehonoured game of snowballing.— The heaviest snowstorm of the season took place on Monday night and Tuesday (says the Wakatip Mail). The barometer was down to 28.60 on Monday afternoon, and there was every indication of severe weather. This is how an American journal Bcreams over their Derby victory : — " Ircquois has •won the Derby, and all the horses in the Uaited States will be so proud that there will be no managing them. The men and women of America, we judge, are expected to be proud also. We do not know exactly why, but all the papers say 'twas a famous victory, end there seems to be a general idea that the Eagle should scream and the Lion hang his head. Since all Canada, including the Governor-General, tamed out to receive Hanlan, tbeotrsman s we warrant that Ircquois would be welcomed like a hero if he could set his fleet foot on these shores to-day. He is a good horse, and Archer is 8 good jockey. He has won a race, and his owner, a sporting gentleman, has won a lot of money. No wonder our English cousins complain of American competition. Will they kindly mention something that they think they are good at ? " An elderly bachelor sends us the following " Alphabet of Requisites for a Wife " :— A wife should be amiable, affectionate, artless, affable, accomplished, beautiful, benign, benevolent, chaste, charming, candid, cheerful, complaisant, charitable, civil, constant, dutiful, dignified, elegant, easy, engaging, entertaining, faithful, fond, faultless, frf e ? good, graceful, generous, governable, goodhumoured, handsome, harmless, health}', heavenly-minded, intelligent, interesting industrious, ingenious, just, kind, lively, liberal, loving, modest, merciful, mannerly, nf at, notable, obedient, obliging, pretty, pleasing, peaceful, pure, quiet, righteous, sociable, submissive, sensible, temperate, true, virtuous well-informed, and young. When I meet with a woman possessed of all these requisites I will marry.— The wretch ! A Californiao woman in fair circntnEtsnces gold her fifteen-year-old daughter to a rich old rancher. The girl managed to tell her wo<b to a newsboy of twenty-three whose train passed near the ranch, and he in his valour married her in order to rescue her from her mother and the rich old rancher. And yet it ia said that Californian romance is dying out. Lexington, Ky., had a reminder of the old times of slavery the other day when the service of two coloured paupers for one year were sold to the highest bidder. A forlornlooking old negro, about 70 years of age was knocked down at 34d01., and the other, a strapping six-footer, went off at Il2dols. 50c, railroad contractors being the purchasers in both instances. A parliamentary return, obtained on the motion of Mr John Talbot, shows that the total number of deaths from small-pox in London from January 1, 1881, to April 30th was 920. Of these, 330 took place in private dwelling-houses ; 537 in Metropolitan Asylums and Boards hospitals ; 41 in Highgate Small-pox Hospital, and 12 in other hospitals or public institutions. Hodscha-Ahmet, who wes sentenced toim- j prisonment for life for having translated the Bible into Turkish, and for having circulated it in the States of the Stiltsn, escaped from the prison at Chio after the earthquake. The prison was thrown down by the violence of the shock, but Hodscha-Ahmet was not hurt. He mansged to get on board an Eng. lish vessel anchored in the harbour, and is now in London. An amusing story is told of a young Parisian artist, who painted a portrait of a duchess, with which her friends were not satisfied declaring that it was totaliy unlike. The painter, however, was convinced he had succeeded admirably, and proposed that the question of resemblance or no resemblance be left to a little dog belonging to the duchess, which was sgreed to. Accordingly the picture was sent to the hotel of the lady next day, and a large party assembled to ■witness the test. The dog was called in. and no sooner did he see the portrait than he sprang upon it, licked it all over, and ahowed every demonstration of the greatest joy. The triumph of the painter was complete, and all present insisted that the picture' was retouched during the night, which was actually so— the painter having rubbed it over with a thin coa'ing of lard I The dog's nose was sharper than the critic's eyes. A tale of wounded love, mortal jealousy, and romantic revenge roaches us Wangann'i Htrald) from Turakina. There is a settler in that peaceful valley who loved a damsel in the same locality, not wisely but too well. The true love between the couple ran as smoothly as could be wished for about two months, and then the swain proved fickle and transferred his gushing affections to another quarter. What did the jilited lady do? Did she mope like Mariana in the Moated Grange, or conceive a partiality for a nunnery. Nothing of the sort— she was a strong minded female, and she borrowed her brother's revolver. Armed with this implement of torture she pur-ued her treacherous lover and frightened that individual out of bis scanty wits. m s rG^;_ dence nowfresembles a beleaguered fortress for he daren't come out for fear of the revolver, and his food is conreyed to him on the sly by some sympathetic frif nds. Public sympathy in Turakina is en the side of the maiden fair, whose vengeance seems untiring. She has flooded the neighbourhood with letters in which she laments the perfidy of her whilom lover, and bewails her unhappy fate in a pretty mixture of French and English. The peaceful hamlet of Turakina— a sleepy hollow at most times—is up in arms about $e matter,