THE ASHBURTON BOROUGH BY-LAWS.

Nelson Evening Mail, Volume XIV, Issue 23, 27 January 1879, Page 4

THE ASHBURTON BOROUGH BY-LAWS.

The following amusing article is from the Asburton Mail:—At the last meetiog of ihe Borough Council ihe Mcyor intimated tbat the by-laws Bent up to Wellington for (he approval of His Excellency the Governor, had not yet been returned to Aehborton, and that nothing effective could be done in the matter of checking nuisances unMI the by-laws had heen rpturnod to the borough authorities. This is true, and, alas, ii is a pity that it ia so, for we fear tbe by-laws will never re-vieit this young and lovely city. It ib pretty generally known within the radius of thirty thousand miles of Ashburton that theee precious productions hove been regarded by all observers ns reflecting a fierce electric light en the intelligence of their compilers, but it is, perhaps, not generally known that they have led to some of the most notable changes which have recently come to pass in tbe colony. When first sent to tbo Colonial Secretary's office they were of course enfolded for perusal by that amiable and accomplished public servaot Mr G. S. Cooper, tbe Under-Secretary, but be bad not fioiehf-d reading the fifth clause brfore he bad turned all the colors of a dyirg dolphin, and was seized wi'tb mental paralysis—a state of roind which resulted in bis being shortly afterwards found hanging by tbe heel of bie patent leather boot to a hat pep. The Colonial Secretary himself, Colonel Whitmore, was the first to fiod bis lieutenant in tbat strange predicament, and wilh admirable prurience Bnd presence of mind he screamed fire, and seventy messengers and junior clerks bolted in seventy different directions to fetch the fire brigade. In the meantime the unhappy Mr Cooper wes left to think about what sort of people he was likely to meet in the next worll, while the gallant Colocel casually glanced bis eye across the by-laws for the Borough ot Ashburton. Thinking that tbe place wbb situatfld some" where in Afghanistan, be read on as far as tbe eleventh clause, when bo was seized with a sodden spasm whicb jerked him op against tbe ceiling, from whicb he landed with bis head in a waßhhand basin. There he continued to flutter ond splutter with his feet kicking up into empty space, and kept shouting fire and brimstone until tho arrival of the fire brigade, whish poured its torrents in through tho windowa until tbe water rose high enough to float tbe Colonel and Mr Cooper free from their perilous positions. Explanations were of course made privately, and the real cause of the disasters at the Colonial Secretary's ofiice have never till now beeu made known to the wondering world. Ihe Ashburton by-laws were then handed over to the law oflicers of the Government, but Mr Reid the bolicitor-Geoerel was at once spized with an accomomdating f.ttack of lumbago, which rendered it impossible for him to transact business, end (he doty of authoritatively approving of the draft therefore developed upon Mr Stafford, Assistant Law Officer. Sooner than undergo the agony of perusing them, that gentleman incontinently wrote oot bis resignation. What was to be done? Tbe shrewd Colonial Secretary astutely asked the Governor's private secretary, Lieutenant Le Patourel, to undertake the responsibility, as a personal favour to him, the Colonel, aod (bat gallant, good-looking young gentleman, tired of reading Ouida's novels, aod longing for more solid literature fresh from the human braiD, politely acceded to tbe request. He read sevenfe'n clauses and wes tben seized with an irresistible desire to embrace his own shadow, and with a passion for singing, at the top of his voice, and in character costume, such songs as " I wish I were a bird," and "I'd bea butterfly." Such conduct ia a gentleman of his military character naturally created surprise at Government House. His Excellency the Marquis of Normanby kindly inquired into the particulars. Nay, on learning what these were, he resolved, sooner tban stay in a country where such by-laws could be framed, to leave it at once, and be thereupon sent his resignation by cable to Sir Michael Hicks-Beach. Meantime, tbe hy-la WS 0f the Ashburton Borough Council lie locked in an iron safe at Government House, Wellington, and we believe tbat since becoming acquainted with the extravagant and fatal results which they are capable of E reducing, the Imperial Governmer,t aye thoughts, in tbe event of England going to war with Bussia, of sending them as a present to the staff of tbe Czar's army. Tbey would be certaio, judging from their effects in Wellington, to place the military magnates hors de combat. Thus a great advantage would be gained, and thus, though ndiculed by shallow-minded scoffers here, the by-lawa may become the means of doing signal service to the whole British Empire. At least, the events which we have described will account for the non-return of these classical compositions to Ashburton, while this article will go forth as a trustworthy record of recent public occurrences industriously traced to their secret sources. '