POSTSCRIPTS

Evening Post, Volume CXI, Issue 32, 7 February 1931, Page 12

POSTSCRIPTS

BY PERCY FLAGE

Chronicle and Comment

The Lord Chamberlain's recent bail on smoking in London theatres has annoyed many of the managers. It is hard on those for whoso show* a smoke screen is necopsary. * * # At a moment of dearth, these spark* lets (postage paid) from a devoted client of ours. May Heaven reward her ... we can't. . "P. 0.8." wants to know why we haven't more escalators in Wellington. They make such excellent safety raisers. Effective alarm clocks were known 2000 years ago. Since thea they have gone off. « « -: »' "Hclon B. Happy" vouches for th»j authenticity of this one. A parson visiting the King Country was giving a young buck Native and his prospective bride some words o£ wisdom (?). ' ■ "Marriage is a great responsibility* Are you sure you can always provida for your life partner?" Hori: "Speak up, fair wahine; thai good man's askin' you a simple plurrjj question.'' * ■■'*-■■■■.* Try . this one. From a menu in a Kentish road-' side inn: , Soup. Joint, 2 Veg. Sweets. Chess and Biscuits. Game on the menu Bhould h<?lp Mjj make this landlord popular. ** . * (Beintroducing—behind the warder* back—old "Hemi Pango," author ofl "Fantome's Fandango" and "Thaj Blood-Stained Apple Mango.") ■ percy flage care evening post whaii a classy name you boast i am now in. durance vile* and have pondered quita a whilo on tho way oh honoured sir to pronounce your monniker do you fly, into a rage when they call you percy, flage do you lay a strict embargo on the blokes who call you flage do you hide in your garage if your neighbour yells out ilago do you hide within! your garage if your neighbour yolls out flagef do you get annoyed or raggy if some blighter calls you flago are you friends' with tony sarg eh he i m. sure must call you flage \wad ye glowei; and argie bargio gin a Scotsman ca d yo flage is your pride unseemly' large if we call you mister flago would .you straight invoke a curse if we called you dear old peree shall we hope and pray; for mercy cut the knot and call you percy sadly back i to the gang go your; disciple hemi pango.t *eodiseiplcs may visit me on *thurs» days. tthis is rather subtle not- to sajj esoteric. ■, ■■■■■.'■ ,a tbeing a maori scholar you" will realise that this does not rhyme, but being also a person of nice discernment you will realise that this couplet is blank; verse. ' , * * * Somowhat enervated by its disintegrating experience at the,hands of "Sir; Ozzy," tho General Knowledgo Squad parades- (!) in twin prams, with hot water bags at the slope. DM you know; that— (!)■ According to promiso (or threat)] the squad will be put through its facings on Ist April by Major-General "Hemi Pango," Liaison Officer of th« Lost Legion? Look out I (2) That honest-to-goodnesa bulleti proof glass will prove an inestimable boon in Chicago? (3) A real major, and a Scot at that, insists that the words "Unioa Jack" should be "Union Jac?" What do you know about that? (4) Thousands of educational films,covering almost .the whole field of instruction, are rotting in Wardour street cellars because no theatre or- school uso can be found for them? (5) "Bootlegging" has become * real and| profitable industry in the 014 Country? "Moonshine," which cost 5d a gallon to produce, is sold at £.3 10s ?• (6) The instruments that stamp out the words "Buy British Goods" ara made abroad? (7) You may talk freely at a concerfj but not on the-golf links? (8) Santa Claus has had his passporfc into Mexico revoked? Santa's job has been given to Quctzacoatl,. the Aztea god of the air. : (9) The cash dividend payments of tho Standard Oil group of companion for 1930 reached the new high record of £57,333,100, which is an in. crease of £3,404,000 compared witk 1929? ' (10) John D. Bockofeller, reputedly worth £130,000,000, has been known to spend an hour hunting for.a golf bal| worth 2s? ' ,* * * , ' "Visions of those1 mountainous Jap, wrestlers, Channel and endurance test swimmers, have evoked ' this dignified poem, "In Praise of Obesity." Hand me, my page-boy, the giant Wurlitzer. In a key nor sharp nor flat Let us sing in praise of fat; ■ Nice firm fat from neck to knee . »•< ■, Practical obesity. .' Thoso fine contours full, rotund, That havobecn so often shupned-^ Do not let them worry you, Or to "slimmers" hurry you; They are hidden blessings which Can assist you to get rich. Thoso who do the Channel swim Are the fat ones . . . not the slim* At that most adventurous game Lean kine rarely make a name. It is,very widely known They get frozen to the bone, Whilo tho comfortably plump Do not seem to care a dump; ■ On they barge, their task to crown' -^ With fat cheques and niueh renown!, So in each endurance test — Those in Nature's "woollies" dressed Paddle round serene, tho whilo f Kivals smilo a pale green smile. Nippon's "mat" kings, so narrators Say, sport unsurpassed equators. ' Thus, if you nj-e fat —what of it? You may turn it into profit; That's the "point" in embonpoint, Honco this fitful fat-vows song. * * * I can't abide children, nevor could, It was merely pretend on niy part? to get'round their mothers and so spend an idle hour in dalliance. I know » boy of four who when he wakes up and sees the sun calls out, "Good morning, God." His own idea. Horrible. I saw the eclipse of two or three year 3 ago. -There were hundreds of thousands of us bn a Yorkshire hill; reverent, appalled, but there, was also _ of courso the inevitable child. What was ho doing in the one thrilling moment of his lifer He' was trying <to,,cateh eaH wigs in the part of a soap-dish that ha^ holes in it. ■ ■■■, ■'■[. , ' . ' . "" ,■■-: Bb.James-Baa»i»