Wit and Humour.

Cromwell Argus, Volume I, Issue 11, 19 January 1870, Page 7

Wit and Humour.

Artemus Ward said that the man who wrota "I'm saddest when I sing" was a fool to sing much. lowa recently had a wedding in which a female clergyman tied the knot and officially kissed the bridegroom. "Your purse, Tom," said an indulgent father to a spendthrift son, "reminds me of a thunder cloud."—"How so, father?"— "Becauao it is always light'nirig," An Irish glazier was putting in a pane of glass, when a groom standing by began to joke him, telling him to put in plenty of putty. The Irishman bore the banter for some time, but at laßt silenced his tormentor by, "Arrah now, bo off wid ye, or else I'll put a pain in yer head widout any putty !" . "Wife," said a married man, looking for hia bootjack, after she was in bed, " I have a place for everything, and you ought to know it. " " Yes," said she, " I ought to know where you keep your late hours." A gentleman of our acquaintance has asked our advice on the subject of his pecuniary affair*, which he toys have become so deranged that all his liabilities have gone out of his mind.— Punch. A man passing along the street with, a lookingglass under his arm met a little boy, and thought to be witty at his expense. " Here, boy," said he, "just come and look in this glass, and you'll see a monkey." "Ah, indeed," said the boy, " how did you discover that?"— The answer is not recorded. The servant of a Prussian officer one day met a croney, who enquired of him how he got along with his master. " Oh, excellently," replied the servant; "we live on very friendly terms. Every morning we beat each other's coats—the only difference being, he takes his coat off, and I keep mine on," An Ohio stumper, while making a speech, paused in the midst of it, and exclaimed, " Now, gentlemen, what do you think?" Instantly a man arose in the assembly, and, with one eye partially closed, modestly replied, "I think, sir—l do indeed, sir—l think that if you and I were to stump the country together, wo would tell more lies than any other two men in the country, sir, and I'd not say a word during the whole time, sir." A tall Eastern girl named Short long loved a big Mr Little, while Mr Little, thinking little of Short, loved a little lass named Long. To make a long story short, Little proposed to Long, and Short longed to be even with Little's shortcomings. So, Short meeting Long, threatened to marry Little before Long, which caused Little in a very short time to marry Long. Query ; Did tall Short love big Little less because big Little loved little Long ? In a narrow lane, where it was impossible for two vehicles to p»ss, a Quaker in his gig confronted an obstinate fellow in a cart. The Quaker mildly declined to back his horse—the obstinate fellow swore ho wouldn't back his horse. After an hour or so of ineffectual discussion, the man in the cart thought to crush the Quaker into submission by taking out a newspaper and calmly perusing it. *' Friend," said the quaker, " when thou hast finished thy paper, I trust thou wilt lend it to me," The man was beaten, and backed his horse without much more ado. A clergyman advising his people to save some; of their earnings in a penny savings' bank, was met by the following proverbs :—" A bird in the* hand is worth two in the bush" ; " Save a feather, and lose a goose" ; "Penny wise, and pound foolish." All of these Bayings are very good,

and contain much wisdom, but were plainly misappropriated. In like manner, a lazy man will often excuse dilatorincss by the proverb, " Moro haste, less speed. A glutton onco excused himself with the quaint saying, " An empty sack can't stand upright." A careful, cautious man* often hurt and wounded if he has had a inisfori tune or loss, will use tho really good but misapplied adage, "You should look before you leap." Untruthfulness is often "toned" by the bad jiroverb, " White lies will wash." Covetousness it excused by the provident maxim, " Take care of no one," And so on : people are so apt to twist proverbs to answer their own purposes that good maxims are ofttimes compelled to cover | bad actions.